Unreliable

by Stephanie on February 20, 2014 · 4 comments

in Uncategorized

If I had to choose one thing I hate most about depression it is this:

It make me unreliable.

I can’t even tell you how much this bothers me.  I am a reliable person.  I pride myself on this.

Even more, I despise unreliable people.  I hate when someone bails on plans at the last minute or shows up for 25% of our league volleyball games.  It blows my mind that people are good with being a person that no one can count on.

Depression has made me that person.  I had plans for tonight.  A few weeks ago I agreed to go to a meditation class with a friend.  This week has been hell.  Going to work is all I could manage (if that) and it was easy not to go tonight because fighting through the depression and actually going would have been so hard.  So I justified not going.

After the fact I am angry with myself.  Shaking-and-seething kind of angry.  Depression has the ability to turn me in to someone I don’t recognize.  Someone lazy and negative and scary and unreliable.

There’s nothing I can do about it now.  This particular battle is over.  All I can do is try to fight through it next time and show up like the reliable person I know I really am deep down.

Hopefully I’ll win.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Erin February 20, 2014 at 10:23 PM

I’m sorry! Hang in there, Stephanie! It will get better, try not to beat yourself up.

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Stephanie February 21, 2014 at 1:37 AM

Thanks. I try not to. I really needed to get these feelings off my chest tonight though!

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Sarah S February 23, 2014 at 7:54 PM

*hugs* Hopefully you are feeling a bit better now. I am sure your friend will have understood your situation, please don’t beat yourself up over it

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Stephanie February 23, 2014 at 8:44 PM

I am doing better right now. And she did understand. We’re going to the rest of the 6-week meditation class together. Perhaps I will learn something!

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