Advice for a Breakup

by Stephanie on March 30, 2013 · 0 comments

in Heavy Stuff

I was going through my old draft posts and I found this.  I wrote it over 7 months ago but I still agree with what I said and I still think it might help someone, and act as a good reminder to myself.

I think about all the advice I’ve gotten in the last several months in regards to the end of my previous relationship.  Some of it was helpful and sometimes I was able to find comfort, but most of it fell on deaf ears.

This is my advice, based on my experiences.  It will not apply to everyone.  I feel things deeply and I struggle to stay positive (probably an understatement) in the face of relationship failure.  If you get over things easily, you may not understand.  But I think this will help somebody out there that feels hopeless and alone.

 

This will not be easy.  It could be harder than you ever imagined.  It’ll be work.

You will feel every emotion: anger, sadness, pain, relief, envy, hatred, depression.  FEEL them.  Don’t hide from these emotions.  They do not make you weak.  You have to let yourself experience them in order to deal with and move past them.

You will not move past these feelings quickly.  You will bounce back and forth.  They will overwhelm you at times and you won’t know what you’re feeling.  You’ll think you’re past an emotion and then out of nowhere it will come back.

Take support wherever you can find it.  It can be hard to open up to people about what you are going through.  Find at least a couple of people who will listen and support you.  Turn to them when you are able.

There will be extremes and it will get ugly.  You may have trouble getting out of bed.  You may isolate yourself from friends and family.  You may escape from reality by watching hours upon hours of TV (darn you Netflix).  You may keep yourself as busy as possible to try to outrun your feelings.  You may cry for hours on end.  You may be anxious and shaky.  You may yell and scream and hit things.  You may find yourself binge eating to dull the pain.  You may turn to other vices like alcohol.  These coping mechanisms are not necessarily bad.  Sometimes it is your mind’s way of protecting itself until you are stronger.

Get help if your coping mechanisms are causing problems.  You need it if you can’t get out of bed to go to work, if your anger becomes unmanageable, or if you start to abuse alcohol.  See a therapist.  See your doctor.  Enlist the help and support of a family member or friend.  Take anti-depressants if they will help.  There is no shame in any of these things.  It will probably feel like you are weak because you cannot handle it on your own.  That’s okay.  If it helps, it’ll be worth it.

Give yourself time.  It may take a lot longer than you think to mourn the end of your relationship.  It depends on the length and intensity of your relationship, the circumstances of your breakup, and you.  Everyone moves through the stages of grief at a different pace.  You cannot rush it.  People will say that you should get over it and just move on but it doesn’t work that way.  You will move on when you are ready.

There will be good days and bad days.  More bad than good for a while.  Then, one day, something will shift.  You’ll start to feel more like yourself.  You’ll start to think that just maybe you’ll be okay.

After this you’ll still have bad days.  You’ll backslide.  But you’ll be able to deal with it better.  The bad times won’t be as bad and/or last as long. 

And someday, maybe a long way down the road, you really will be okay.

 

Whatever happens, take care of yourself.  And know that someone in the great big world of the internet cares about YOU.

live-signature-1

{ 0 comments… add one now }

Leave a Comment