Reflecting on 2012

by Stephanie on December 28, 2012 · 0 comments

in Heavy Stuff, Uncategorized

There are only a few more days of 2012 left and having the week between Christmas and New Years off gives me way too much time to think.  Sometimes the mind is a scary place, am I right?  It’s no secret that 2012 has not been my best year.  In fact, of the 30 years I’ve been on this earth I think I can say with certainty that this has been the hardest.  (Runner up is sophomore year of high school.  Is it weird that I know that?  Do others do that??  Let’s pretend you do.).

Anyway, let’s recap 2012 shall we?  Relationships falling apart, friendships strained or ending, moving twice, Dad being diagnosed with cancer, family pets dying, my dog coming down with a disease, dealing with depression and anxiety.  Oy!  Never in my life have I struggled so much.  Never in my life have I been so beaten down.  It has been dark.  But I’ve kept going.  Kept trying.  I’ve made countless changes and adjustments.  Some were more successful than others.

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There are some good things that have happened this year of course.  For instance, I got a promotion and will be starting my new job at the beginning of 2013 (YAY!).  Of course, my job was never part of the problem so it’s kind of like fixing the one piece of my life that didn’t feel broken to begin with.  Whoops 😛  The truth is that things are better than they were at the beginning of the year, or even at the end of the summer.  Things are improving.  But the progress is painfully slow.  Especially when compared to the amount of effort I have been putting in for months now.

When I think about the coming year I worry that I won’t be able to keep it up.  That I’ll wear out and end up spinning my wheels instead of achieving my goals and putting my life back together.  Because let me let you in on a secret… the constant trying is exhausting!  There are days when I am overwhelmed by it and due to some of the things that happened I don’t have the same support group I used to have.

Of course I will keep fighting.  What choice do I have?  I know that I deserve better than I’ve gotten.  I don’t know if I’ll be lucky enough to get it, but I have to believe that God has a plan to give me good things at some point.  Right?  Right.  (Seriously, I have to believe this or I wouldn’t be able to go on.)  So I will keep trying to make new friends and building healthy relationships.  I will keep working towards my personal goals and putting myself first (something I struggle with).  I will continue working towards what I want my life to be.  I figure there has to be a reason this has happened and hopefully something good will come out of it.  And sooner rather than later would be nice!

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