Something is Different…

by Stephanie on September 13, 2012 · 0 comments

in Heavy Stuff

I’ve been thinking about this post all week but I was hesitant to write it. I was afraid I might jinx myself. I couldn’t help it though. I felt compelled to write and get it out.

Something feels different this week. I don’t know exactly what it is. It started on Sunday evening. After several months of ups and downs and a couple long months of some pretty bad depression I feel… lighter. I’ve been motivated to do things. I did some pretty extensive cleaning of my apartment. I reorganized my furniture. I knocked things off my to do list. I made it to work and was truly productive every day. I went to dinners and laughed and had fun.

This may not sound like much but it feels huge for me right now. I’ve spent the last 9 months dealing with a major “breakup”. The situation was complicated but the facts are that I loved someone for a long time, we had an intimate relationship, and it ended badly. I’ve gone through every possible emotion. I’ve experienced excruciating pain, red-hot anger, and unbearable sadness. I struggled to continue on and function normally in everyday life. Most of the time it was so bad that I wanted to die. I don’t say this to be shocking but because it is true.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I might make it. Like I might come out of this with a part of myself still intact. I feel a glimmer of hope.

I know I’m not out of the woods yet.  This week was crazy busy and it wasn’t all good.  There will be hard days. Really hard days. It will still take plenty of time. It will probably be a long time before I am ready to open myself up like that again. But I think (hope) this is a real step towards normalcy. Towards being happy again.

This is good.

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