Making Adjustments. Trying.

by Stephanie on February 21, 2012 · 0 comments

in Heavy Stuff

This post is more thoughtful and more personal than most.  I say that as a heads up.  It’s not about weight.  It’s not about workouts.  It’s not about goals.  Health is more than those things.  It is also mental, emotional, and spiritual.  I don’t talk about these aspects much.  It is not in my nature to open up easily, certainly not to the vast internet.  I’m an emotional person who feels things very deeply.  I find it makes me love more loyally and hate more viciously.  It makes me feel betrayal more strongly.  It is both a blessing and a curse.

Sometimes life takes us in directions we didn’t want or expect.  My life has been turned upside down these last couple months.  I’ve been hurt badly by people I care about.  My living situation is in flux and will be for the next couple months.  I’ve run the gamut of strong emotions, mostly hovering between hurt and anger.  I don’t know what the future holds for me.

I’m trying to be calm right now.  Thoughtful.  It is not my natural reaction.  I would rather seethe and cry and scream and punch things.  I have done a great deal of each.  After a point, though, those actions are no longer helpful.  This doesn’t mean I don’t still feel those things.  I feel sad and hurt, angry and spiteful.  Instead of acting on these feelings I am trying to experience them and work through them.  I am going over the details.  I am figuring out where I go next.  What things do I need to do for myself to help me move forward and bring happiness back into my life?  With what activities and people should I try to surround myself?

I am also thinking (and reading) about forgiveness.  This is hard.  How do you truly forgive someone for hurting you?  You must let go of the hurt and the anger.  You must relinquish your desire, your perceived right, to get even.  You must separate the person from the pain they caused.  You must do all of this without condoning the wrong and without making yourself a doormat for that person to hurt again.  This is a tough balance to achieve.  I’m not sure I’ve ever truly done it.  Not in a situation like this.

There is a friendship at stake here.  A close friend that I do not want to lose.  We both want to save the friendship but we have a very long way to go.  I must learn to forgive and he must work to regain my trust.  There are complications.  Aren’t there always?  It is a scary time for me.  I worry that forgiving will make me vulnerable to being hurt again and I am not ready for that.  I worry that I will have to accept changes in my life, because of this situation, that I think are not right.  I worry I am not strong enough to move forward in the way I know I should.  I worry that we will grow tired trying to fix our relationship.  I am worried that it is a priority for me more than for the other person.

There are so many questions.  So many thoughts and feelings I am working through.  I am trying to stay open to new understandings.  I am trying to stay calm.  I am trying to make adjustments, to bend and not to break.  I am, most importantly, trying.

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