Defeated with a Side of Hope

by Stephanie on May 26, 2011 · 0 comments

in Injury

The Defeat

I haven’t written in a long time. Almost two weeks. Unacceptable. I want to be more accountable, I just didn’t want to face anyone when I was feeling the way I was.

How have I been feeling?

Utterly defeated.

These last two weeks have been a whirlwind of crying, overeating (because it’s what I do when I’m depressed), and hating my body and my situation. Why? Because I tripped on a sidewalk a month ago and now I will most likely not be able to run the Seattle half marathon.

The progression of my injury has looked like this:

• My fall caused a hematoma that made my lower leg almost black with bruising and twice as big as normal with swelling.
• I stayed off it for two weeks (doctor’s orders) while the bruising went away but all the swelling did not.
• The doctor then told me no running until I see the orthopedic doctor, which I did on Tuesday.
• He said there’s nothing he can do. It’s healing, but it was a bad fall and it will take time. I can start running short distances next week but I am absolutely NOT to run through any pain (it sometimes aches doing nothing so I am skeptical about this ‘no pain’ rule).
• He made it very clear that he did not think running a half marathon next month was possible or smart.

My reaction to this news has not been pretty. I have spent the last 7 months ramping up from 90 seconds of running to 9 miles. I have dreamed about this race, been giddy with excitement. Now the dream has been put on hold. Because I tripped.  It’s not even a good injury!

This post is not meant to be a pity party, but to share with you how I’ve been feeling lately and how I have let those emotions wreck my mood, motivation, and belief in myself. I am not proud, I am human.

The Hope

The reason I am writing today is because I am finally starting to adjust my mindset. It’s a new, budding thought that maybe this is not the end of the world.

You can laugh, I know I’m being dramatic. I like to think its part of my charm. 😛  I just get so invested in my goals that when I get knocked off course it briefly causes my world to kind of crash down around me.

Last night I had a heart to heart with a good friend. He pointed out that it’s not that I am incapable of running a half marathon. My body is capable. I worked my way up to 9 miles and there’s no reason that I can’t work my way up to 13.1 miles. It just won’t be in Seattle.

This brought up a really interesting question that I had not considered. Why is the race the important thing? My goal for 2011 was to run a half marathon (run, not run/walk). That goal never stated that it had to be in an organized race, I just assumed it would be. Would it be any less of an accomplishment if I just ran 13.1 miles around my town on a sunny Sunday? Yes, there’s a lot to be said for the excitement and atmosphere at a race and for having an official time. For personal accomplishment though, just maybe all that official red tape isn’t necessary.

It’s amazing the difference a little perspective can make. I was so focused on the negative, the race. It was like I was wearing blinders. It took some friendly intervention to help me see beyond them.

This is why it’s so important to share our journeys with others. Friends, online and offline, can help us see things in a new light. They can guide us back to ourselves and our goals when we have lost our way. They restore our hope and hopefully we can do the same for them when they are in need.

That’s why I am here sharing my journey with you. Thanks for being a part of it! :)

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